I Have Been Feeling Nostalgic About Some Of My More Recent Breakdowns

Some of my more recent breakdowns were somewhat fun in retrospect, until I was lead off to the mental ward. The state of mind I was in was euphoric, everything had meaning, the tiniest of stimuli was a cornucopia of thought and sensation. I could stare at videogame screens with nothing but a simple animation and experience such wonders. It’s obviously not healthy and the state of my living quarters was severely in disarray, but I wish I had access to such deepness of experience, my current state is so numb in comparison.

If I were disciplined enough I would try to go back onto oral medication and skip every once and a while, but my experience has been that I would not start taking the meds again when I started going loopy.

It’s also numbed my libido somewhat, I remember being so enthralled by erotic imagery and almost being hypnotized, now it’s all more of a robotic function.

It’s my own natural high I suppose, it would be interesting to live in a controlled environment without meds, my own private living asylum. I was only ever suicidal when dealing with meds after all, so I probably wouldn’t really be a harm to myself if I had people to look after me. I suppose being a mad monarch would be comparable. It’s too much to ask to be sure, but it is an interesting thought.

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