I unironically prayed many a night for my loved ones before I was about nine years old, that’s when I learned about the inquisition. I honestly miss the sincere praying, my prayers are no longer known to be heard like back then.
The inquisition taught me that there are those in Catholicism and Christianity that just use religion to exploit, they have nothing to do with the faith. And so I lost my faith.
Not long after I was introduced to the concept of explaining all of creation with science, which had an appeal. But I eventually realized that humans are probably (in our current form at least) neither capable or intelligent enough to truly KNOW such a thing. So hence agnosticism has been my spiritual outlook for most of my adult life. And honestly, for now at least, I think being able to believe that there is more to reality, and that the magic of creation is indeed magical, than no meaning whatsoever is an extremely important thing for human psychology. We need meaning.